sometimes concessions do not refer to an overpriced cup of Bud Light and a delicious-yet-small Hebrew National hot dog. sometimes concession means that you must bite you lip and fight back the tears that come with knowing you live in a country where the majority of the citizens relate better to someone who resembles Forest Gump than someone who has, oh, an IQ of at least 100.
when you wish concession meant a big Icee, maybe you need to think about adopting the 12 Steps of Recovery:
1. Admit you are powerless - that your life has become unmanageable
-- ok, so did most of middle America AND especially Ohio miss the giant deficit, the war in Iraq and, oh...cleveland being named poorest city in the US? do we consider this "manageable? guess so.
2. Come to believe that a Power greater than yourself can restore you to sanity
-- truely, it feels as if God himself has abandoned us by somehow allowing Bush to be re-elected. nothing is restoring my sanity now; i'm pissed and ready to take it out on anything that crosses my path. challenge me! i think i can physically kick almost anyone's ass right now, or maybe, you know, lift a car up and throw it on someone. especially if you're a Pube, oh i mean, a Re-pube-lican, er, Republican
3. Make a decision to turn your will and your life over to the care of God as you understand God
- uh, as I stated before, I highly question the existence of God right now. however, I fully believe that Dick Cheney made a pact with the devil and somehow, got big returns
4. Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of yourself
-- if all those red states didn't have to, why do i? huh? make me. i'll get you sucka (see #2)
5. Admit to God, to yourself and to another human being the exact nature of your wrongs
-- Fahrenheit 911, everyone. it's ALL RIGHT THERE. but, ok, i just admitted to BKP the nature of my wrongs. she understood. then i gave her some catnip. catnip that will probably be PRODUCED OVERSEAS in the next 4 years!!!! harumph. she does not approve, and neither do i.
6. Be entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character
-- wait, God can remove Bush? would this be considered a sort of innocent "spiritual" assasination? can God do that? if so, I'm back on God's side (see #3)
7. Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings
-- (humming demonically) you know what I'm thinking here, God
8.Make a list of all persons you have harmed, and become willing to make amends to them all
-- uh, ok, if this could possibly work in regard to #7, i'll do a few:
• Dime-Store-from-second-grade-field-trip-clerk: sorry that i,um, borrowed that pack of Juicy Fruit...I just wanted it real bad and didn't know any better
• Brandon: sorry that i found and stole your pirated copy of Showgirls. i just didn't think you needed to be watching that inane actress Elizabeth Berkeley, although i now realize this may have hurt you in, er, other ways
• Sammy the Cat: sorry that i tried to groom your beautiful, fluffy tail into a "lion's poof," especially since you ran away after half of it and looked ridiculous for the next 6 weeks. this was probably the root of your insecurity, which led to you peeing on anything that didn't move. i am the most sorry to you, my little furry man.
• Bobby Crocker: sorry i put those vintage wire firewood holders in your basement because i couldn't make myself throw them out.
9. Make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others
-- there is no way i'm doing this, even if it means No Bush. if they don't read the blog, they don't need to know.
10. Continue to take personal inventory and when you are wrong, promptly admit it
-- Did i mention that MY HOME STATE, Pennsylvania, voted for Kerry??!?! Hmmm? this step is clearly for those in Ohio or Florida (or other red states.) discuss amongst yourselves.
11. Seek, through prayer and meditation, to improve your conscious contact with God as you understand God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for you and the power to carry that out
-- with the whole "Conservative Christian" angle of this election, i think that God has enough conscious contact. i aim for subconscious contact, preferably when he cures my insomnia, i have 8 hours of sleep, and get a divine intervention that i am moving to france
12. Have a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, and try to carry this message to other voters/Floridians/Ohioans, and to practice these principles in all our affairs
-- i had my spiritual awakening looong ago in terms of this election. seriously, Bush voters, WHAT were you thinking yesterday? now that you've done the damage, do me a favor: keep your heads up your asses for the next 4 years, and stay out of my way. france, here i come.
(disclaimer: i love all of my close friends in Ohio, and in *no way* blame them for the lame way the rest of the state voted. Florida, i love no one in your whole state, and if my womb ever bears fruit, that fruit WILL NOT be going to any Disney franchise resort.)