All the Crunk, All the Dilly Yo

By now, everyone should know that I have a love-hate relationship with popular culture. Why, just the other night my dinner companion noted that quilted, black coats had become the overcovering of choice for many Bostonian women.
"Like the one I'm wearing?!" I replied in disgust
"No...yours is better. It's tan," he rebuffed.

The best place to spot trends you will eventually love to hate is Urban Outfitters. This shopping locale is also THE location to experience scenerios like the "Am I Too Old to Be Dressing in This 80s Trend (again)?," the "Casual Fridays Mean Showing Less than 1 Inch of Bum Crack, So Do These $100 Jeans Pass?" and the always-entertaining "That Bitch Just Stole the Last 'I'm Desperate (Housewives)' tee...But She Flat Irons Her Hair so I'm Prettier."

While on my most recent research trip, I noticed a velvet notebook with the work "Crunk" on it. Now, I'm not getting the cheap movie passes yet, people, I've heard the word. But actually, I thought that it was just another tired synonym for something that needs NO MORE descriptors. That's right, survery says male ejaculatory fluid. Oh, you all just LOVE that I had to type those words on my blog right now. But come on, verbally cloaking nouns heralding semen are so 1988.

Later, on the phone with The Polish Princess, I blurted out in a panic: "What's Crunk??!?"
She consulted our resident research expert, The Mad Hungarian. This man can Google faster than any human I've ever met. I swear his brain is somehow electronically connected to the WWW. Not even ONE MINUTE after I hung up the phone with her, I received this email from him:
"Subject: c r u n k
if Slate is doing a story on it...it's legit..."
Slate on Crunk
Look up Crunk on Urban Dictionary

Then I realized -- I'M SO CRUNK! (crazy drunk, look at the definition) And while some people's crunkiness might bring out dancing or property destruction, mine manifests itself by transforming a mere girl into an expert physical comedian. Oh, and one that drinks lots of sugary, caffeinated drinks mixed with vodka and talks like Lil John.
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CRUNK PROFILE: Blogorelli

CRUNK OBJECT OF WEAKNESS: Bathtubs/high perches/verbal outbursts & repetition
"Once crunked, Subject gravitates toward bathrooms or any tall stools without back rests. Research points to two college examples, once at a party and once at home after intramural softball playoffs. Subject managed to fall into the bathtub. Once Subject almost knocked herself out on a bidea. Her response to this episode: "Thank God I missed my teeth." When out with friends, Subject tends to sit on the elevated chair at the bar, and then fall off, usually backwards. Another behavior of Subject is falling asleep and then waking with a start and screaming something senseless, like "Don't Touch The Food Display!" Repetition also frequent theme...Subject will repeat same story or even name of various object endlessly, and often in a very loud tone. Point Subject toward cocktail table and quickly exit."

CRUNK WEAPON OF POWER: The Leg
"Get Subject crunked and leave her alone, and the available males in the vicinity will most likely be hit with The Leg, a powerful and relentless move that entails male, Subject, a chair, and Subject's leg thrown over some part of male's body in an overtly sexual manner that would make proper girls gasp. Those who have witnessed The Leg firsthand comment:

"Four Stars...if she can't pick someone up like this then she might as well date Ellen DeGeneres."
--
"Shocking! I laughed, I cried, I tried to pry them apart with a crowbar. A psychological thriller until the last taxi cab totes her (and perhaps a mystery guest?) home."
--
"An amazing adrenaline rush. Don't leave the party without experiencing The Leg."
--
"I was delighted and apalled by the severe plot twist. The supporting lead was barely 5'8" and had one crooked canine...yet the ending likened itself to [an] M. Night Shyamalan vehicle."

CRUNKINESS ON A SCALE OF 1-10: To quote Timothy Hutton in Beautiful Girls, "a good solid 7." Give Subject 'the devil water' and she can get crunk with the best of 'em...but Subject has no gold teeth, can't even get on the guest list for Mittens, and never 'accidentally' showed either of her so-called 'cupcakes' (note: urban terminology) anywhere."
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Finally, SKAL! to Cho Cho and Bobby, who host their annual Vinterfest Norwegian-themed winter party tonight. Many details and pictures to come on Monday. Past incidences have included me putting my knee through a wooden chair, Jeffé dancing to J Lo, and Bobby Crocker doing a handstand before momentum took him the other direction and he smashed on top of the coffee table.

(rubbing hands together)
Oh, the anticipation!
Crunk it up, party people and Happy weekend!

Comments

[the Polish princess]

me scoff? surely you jest.
;)

[mad hungarian]

i would like to set the record straight...when asked, i immediately knew the answer to "what does crunk mean?" it was only after the lovely polish princess scoffed at my answer (which was correct, btw) thinking i was feeding her a line of b.s. (who? me?) and even after i proceded to let the two of them know that this is not a new concept/ word that originated in the dirty souf , but rather something that has been around for some time, illustrating this but spitting out a few lines from the 1998 outkast track 'rosa parks', that i ran a quick google of crunk to back up my claim.