Another year, another crunklicious Golden Globes. Although I hoped that this would be the year of the "gay" Globes, mammaries seemed to top the list as one of the visual themes. (Perhaps the Oscars will meet my flamboyant award show expectations for the year?) Mammaries, boobs (Russell Crowe, anyone?) and a massive amount of bad disco neon lighting as the stage decoration.
A brief wrap-up:
TOP THREE "HUH" BOOBS
1. Virginia Madsen (see below.) I'm pretty sure hers were real, but they were oddly "spread out"
2. Melanie Griffith. Like 95% of her, these are also made of artificial materials and very robotic and scary-looking. Let's just hope it's not silicone in there. Oh and, yes, she still loves Antonio, as exhibited by her gigantic bicep tat.
3. Scarlett Johanson. Girl has got...girls. And they're B-I-G. 'Nuff said.
TOP REEEALLY TIGHT DRESS
Gina Davis (see below.) Mrs. "President", I can see the indent of your belly button...you did try out for the Olympic team, but no one really want to be able to see your bodily landscape in that much detail, m-kay?
TOP "WRAP IT UP"
S. Epatha Merkerson, winner for Lackawanna Blues, gave the longest acceptance speech ever, or at least it felt like it. And...er, thank you, ma'am, for telling us that you were having hot flashes RIGHT THEN.
TOP FASHION POLICE ALERT
The color trio of black, white, and flesh (?)...and the female trio of Mariah Carey, Pamela Anderson, and a Alanis Morrisette. A few comments:
1. "Who let the Mariah out?" A new urban slang saying for when someone shows up all crazy and ridiculously outfitted
2. Thank God someone tried to cover up Pam Anderson, even if they only managed to do the top half before she broke free and bolted
3. Alanis Morrisette...why are you even here? And who dyed your hair, baby?
FAVORITE MOMENT
{a tie in my mind}
1. Writer Larry McMurtry giving the most sentimental thank you of his acceptance speech ("Brokeback Mountain") to...his Hermes 3000 typewriter!
2. Bobby Crocker's scotch-induced outcry in the middle of the American Express commercil featuring Sir Paul McCartney: "That bullet should have been for you!"
God, how much do I love the Golden Globes?
I have to give props to Geena Davis for making fools out of the entire self-important, celebrity audience when she flawlessly faked the story of a little girl who tugged on her dress and said she was inspired to be president when she grew up (she elicited a self-indulgent "awwhh!!"). Like they have that much influence on us "regular" people.
Posted by: Half Pint | Wednesday, 18 January 2006 at 07:53 PM
she's only 21...I guess we can let this one slide.
Posted by: the polish princess | Wednesday, 18 January 2006 at 04:12 PM
Adorable.
Posted by: General Disarray | Wednesday, 18 January 2006 at 03:13 PM
Mariah made the (last ever?) Dick Clark Rockin' New Year's Eve special so extra special when she kept trying to take off her clothes.
Posted by: adamg | Wednesday, 18 January 2006 at 01:30 PM
OK, Drew needed scaffolding to hold ALL of her bits up. We gasped in horror when we saw her. Also, my favorite, Emma Thompson, needed some chestular help as well. Foundation undergarments, people!
Virginia Madsen has lost a ton of wt, she'd probably hoisted those mammaries up within an inch of their life.
Props to Clooney for saying the words "jack" and "off" within seconds of each other in his acceptance speech.
Would someone tell Michelle Williams to stop slouching?
Mariah is a TANK. She is a female impersonator.
Posted by: a classic girl | Wednesday, 18 January 2006 at 12:59 PM