b l o g o r e l l i

Project 365: Day 64

Two towheads taking in the spectacle of Oscars '10

Ajumma Pama!

I'm a bit behind on the Buzzfeed with this one, but apparently Asians are crazy for tight perms, a la the 1980s. Holy balls, first I hear cinched leg pants are making a comeback, now this?!?

"Ajummas are everywhere. You can spot them by their squat bodies, aggressive attitude and permed head of hair (the “pama”). Most fashionable 20-30 somethings would not be caught dead in such a hairstyle, but with the 80’s look coming back in style, we are beginning to see the ajumma force spread to the masses...Bada uses the ajumma force in an attempt to revamp her career with horrid 80’s fashions. Shin Eun-kyung also channels the ajumma in her to play the strong, single career woman who seduces a man in order to have a baby in the SBS drama Bad Couple."

Ajumma: (아주마) a married woman characterized by short permed hair and aggressive attitude

When I first moved to The Bean in 2001, I toured Brookline's beauty salons attempting to revive the body wave. Oddly, contemporary salons don't seem to give "perms" anymore. But with the "pama" en vogue in Asia, I predict it can't be long before the trend hits American shores...and my Little Orphan Annie follicular dreams come true.

Brad Pitt, Architect?

Were I an actual architect who spent, like, a gazillion combined years in school, studying for licensing exams, and climbing my way up the ranks, I'd Make It Right for Brad Pitt...by smashing him one in that structurally perfect nose and/or mouth. Of course, he also has millions of dollars and managed to impregnante Angelina Jolie for a second time, so he'd probably turn the sucker punch into an opportunity to launch a crusade about reconstructive dental rights for low-income Appalachian families.

L. Ron, Audit Needed

Inter-net, make me understand...

Camera 1:

Camera 2:

EeeeK! Hey, has anyone seen Carol Channing lately?

Update: Leotards

I am so on top of things...

"Leotards" showed up on the Buzzfeed radar today, check it out!

Holly Jolly Fug?

Now, I see countless examples of questionable fashion on the celebrity gossip blogs that I read daily…and I'm willing to let a lot slide by -- but this one gave even me serious pause:

"Supermodel Kate Moss went for high drama in a black-and-white Fendi fur jacket over a belted unitard as she left North London home Monday. She was on her way to the Led Zeppelin Tribute To Ahmet Ertegun concert at the O2 Arena."

(from one of my favorites, JustJared.com)

Um-kay. Can I get some validation from The Inter-net that, even when one is as skinny as Kate, and as TopShop-designery as Kate, a unitard is not acceptable? I think she looks like a condor wearing a diaper.

Thoughts, anyone?

Inter-net, I Am NOT A Lohan-tanned, Cher Muppet!

Apparenty my Photoshop skills are not what they used to be in regard to color adjustment, because I do not have
- black hair
- orange, fake spray tan, skin
- jaundice

...as many people thought after seeing the photo which accompanied this post about my new haircut.

Just to set the record straight, below are a few shots to show the original (total Muppet), color adjusted (total Simpsons character) and "real" me. Oh, and a photo of Gwennie on the cover of "W" magazine, which served as 'inspiration' for the little post-haircut photoshoot.

ps: although I loved the Comments action, people...keep that coming!

And...I Have No Words

Ok, Britney Spears officially lost her shit this past weekend, shaved her head, and is now wearing one of the worst blonde bob wigs seen by the human eye since I was the Morton's Salt Girl for Halloween five years ago.

?

Am I the only one who doesn't understand the logic behind shaving one's head for the CONVENIENCE of being hairless but then wearing a WIG? Doesn't that ugly synthetic thing itch? Couldn't Brit call in a favor from Jessica Simpson and get Ken Pave to send over some better looking weaves?

Britney's wiffle: possibly more horrifying than when she went...panty-less? <Shudder.>

Her Highness...Dannielynn?

The Anna Nicole Smith child paternity drama is getting as crowded as the 2008 Democratic ticket...

(from IMDB.com)

Prince Frederic Plans Dash to the Bahamas To Claim Baby
Zsa Zsa Gabor's husband Prince Frederic Von Anhalt is officially adding his name to the paternity battle over late Anna Nicole Smith's baby daughter Dannielynn. The European royal came forward with claims he might be the biological father of the five month old last Friday - 24 hours after his one-time mistress died in Florida...The Prince told reporters yesterday he plans to file a paternity challenge to gain custody of the baby - even if it costs him his 20-year marriage to actress and socialite Gabor, who is said to be devastated by her husband's claims. Von Anhalt says, "If the court rules in my favor, I will go to The Bahamas and pick up the child. My wife says, `If you bring a baby home then it's over.' If my wife wants to divorce me then it's up to her."

I mean, seriously? Look at this guy. First Larry Birkhead, then Howard K. Stern, maybe former bodyguard Alex Denk and now friggin' Prince Frederic -- no wonder the woman had methodone in her fridge. I mean, I feel the need to medicate if only to shield myself against the barrage of ANS media coverage these days.

And why, a logical person might wonder, would all these guys want custody of Smith's sole remaining heir? Perhaps they are just nurturing human beings? Needing to assert their masculinity through infant care? Hmm.

I'll close with a clever (and slightly esoteric) line of thinking from The Badger Herald:

"...what must not be lost here is that the autopsy doesn’t matter. Why Ms. Smith died doesn’t matter. That she died doesn’t even matter. This woman was no more significant to the American public than you or me. Unlike James Brown, whose death a month-and-a-half ago somehow merited the same coverage as President Gerald Ford, it seems people didn’t even like this woman."

Exactly...
but I still totally want to know the extended autopsy results.

The Big Brangel-easy?

First Hurricane Katrina, then the crayfish shortage, now UsWeekly confirms that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have indeed moved their family to New Orleans.

Not to worry, though, they won't be in any of those 'icky' partially-recovered disaster zones. According to my favorite weekly read:

"While Pitt works (he’s filming The Curious Case of Benjamin Button locally), sources say Jolie, 31, plans on being a low-key mom in the $3.5 million, six-bedroom, four-and-a-half bath mansion the pair recently purchased (their fourth house) in the French Quarter.

'She’s interested in befriending normal moms so she can do things with the kids,' says a Jolie source."

Get ready to make those mint juleps neat, Southern ladies. And don't forget to mention the activism, NEVER forget the activism:

"The couple also hope to raise awareness for the region, which was devastated by Hurricane Katrina. Says the source, 'They think it is important to be there right now.'"

Besides his day job of being a movie star, Pitt is also in town to oversee (?) construction on 20 environmentally friendly houses through the Global Green USA's Sustainable Design Competition for New Orleans.

I say, think of the two stars as insurance, Big Easy...because Jolie will use those giant lips to suction any levee shut before the wall breaks and harms any forlorn adoption prospect.

(Below: Photo of Brangelina at Falling Water, a 'surprise' for his birthday since he 'is such an architecture buff...to which I say: Get out of my state. And also, I told you there was no need to get so bundled up!)

Out Of Control Engine, Track Number Nine

Britney, Britney, Britney,

I feel like we've been here before...

You got me free dinner and even a mention in the Globe. What can I possibly give back? Perhaps the only thing that I have to offer any celebrity -- advice, coupled with scathing criticism. A little sugar to help the medicine go down, so to speak.

Little Kim suggested that I check out your website earlier today. Good lordy, honey, put the emergency brake on this current trainwreck! Paris Hilton needs a new pet less than she needed that last one...you know, the rabid little marsupial who bit her and required her to get a tetanus shot. Ask yourself, Brit...is someone else a little primal? hanging on Paris' shoulder? willing to bite for media attention?

Just saying...

Here's what academic types call an "analogy." Ok, I'll make it more of a "fun little story" for your sake. Say that I marry a physically and emotionally unhygienic man. A thesarus-bearing person might possibly use the word "dirty."

I marry a dirty boy. Trust me, I've had more than my pick throughout the years, mostly from the phase when I dated  band guys. Anyway, after a while (and two children perhaps?) I realize that he's trash and lose him. But no matter how many times I take out the trash after he's gone, the can is never empty. Smells kind of wanky, too. And everyone cringes when they see me, but I just don't understand...

Here's the point, Brit. We're all rooting for you...to clean up, not be trashy. Try it for a day. Don't go anywhere, do anything, or especially write a blog post without the Holy Trinity: your stylist, publicist, and manager. Notice how Paris Hilton isn't in that grouping?

And for chrissakes, stop talking big and put on your stupid Victoria Secrets underpants already.

I Am Totally Awesome Ninja...Celebrity Gossip Ninja!

Finally, the collective $156+ that I paid UsWeekly for subscriptions over the past three years has yielded something: free dinner as the winner of a Britney/K-Fed bet that Cho, Bobby, Emma (Bobby's sis,) Joe (her fiancee,) and I made over two years ago!

Here are our picks as to how long the union would last, recorded by Emma on October 9, 2004 (shortly after the trainwreck took place on September 18, 2004):

Cho - September 1, 2006
Blogorelli - December 31, 2006
Bobby - December 31, 2007
Emma - January 12, 2007
Joe - June 1, 2007

My glee at K-Fed now being referred to as "Fed-Ex" is only trumped by the relief I feel by knowing that Brit has obviously hired a new publicist AND stylist. She still can't really "sing", but at least my eyes won't have to tear up every time I see a photo of or read an account detailing her utter white trashiness. As proof that she might wear shoes in public bathrooms from now on, look -- just look! -- at the "trendy and thin" new her on the David Letterman show (below.)

If you've been living under a rock, CNN pretty much has the entire thing well documented here and the rise/demise of BritBrit here. For all the legal eagels out there, of course the divorce petition is online too.

(special thanks to Bobby Crocker for his updates on all the latest with the Brit/Fed-Ex split)

Marcia Cross Gives Flat Chesters Everywhere Hope

From this week's issue of UsWeekly:

"My breasts, they seem to have exploded."
(Marcia Cross, on how her body has changed while being pregnant)

- - -

If there's anything I will take from 2006 (or "The Year of Babies Entering Blogorelli-dom"), it's the fact that I may actually not mind children. Only certain children, please note. And this tolerance could, hypothtically, someday lead to me bearing a child -- which, in turn, would allow "my gals" to grow BIG without the any of that icky surgical stuff I've seen on "Dr. 90210" or "I Want a Famous Face: Pamela Anderson edition."

See? Motherhood truly is a selfless act.

Another gummy smile making me happy: Emerson, baby #2 in the trifecta (Shannon's baby, #3, is due in early November.) My cousin JennyPenny had her a mere two weeks ago, and I got to meet her when I was at home this past weekend. A big blogosphere welcome...

Just Like Heaven

Tonight I was able to take a bath for the first time in nearly four weeks due to shorter/slimmer version of O'Malley, and the Cure said it best...I had practically a religious experience! YES, I've been taking showers otherwise, after doing the "Hefty Jig" for ten minutes beforehand and holding my arm up at an angle outside of the curtain during, while furiously trying to lather and rinse with one lame hand.

While we're dancing around the topic of nudity, can I just ask why why WHY I need to continue seeing celebrity breast flashes? First Tara Reid, then Bai Ling and now Lindsay Lohan...I feel like I know their "girls" better than my own, due to the overpublicity of these random boob slips on the celebrity gossip sites. Makes me wonder whether there have always been slip-ups (heh) but that no one would dare release the shots pre-Janet.

On another note, L.L. apparently got served plate #2 of eating disorder…with a side of breast augmentation scarring.

The Golden Boobs, Scratch That, GLOBES

Another year, another crunklicious Golden Globes. Although I hoped that this would be the year of the "gay" Globes, mammaries seemed to top the list as one of the visual themes. (Perhaps the Oscars will meet my flamboyant award show expectations for the year?) Mammaries, boobs (Russell Crowe, anyone?) and a massive amount of bad disco neon lighting as the stage decoration.

A brief wrap-up:

TOP THREE "HUH" BOOBS
1. Virginia Madsen (see below.) I'm pretty sure hers were real, but they were oddly "spread out"

2. Melanie Griffith. Like 95% of her, these are also made of artificial materials and very robotic and scary-looking. Let's just hope it's not silicone in there. Oh and, yes, she still loves Antonio, as exhibited by her gigantic bicep tat.
3. Scarlett Johanson. Girl has got...girls. And they're B-I-G. 'Nuff said.

TOP REEEALLY TIGHT DRESS
Gina Davis (see below.) Mrs. "President", I can see the indent of your belly button...you did try out for the Olympic team, but no one really want to be able to see your bodily landscape in that much detail, m-kay?

TOP "WRAP IT UP"
S. Epatha Merkerson, winner for Lackawanna Blues, gave the longest acceptance speech ever, or at least it felt like it. And...er, thank you, ma'am, for telling us that you were having hot flashes RIGHT THEN.

TOP FASHION POLICE ALERT
The color trio of black, white, and flesh (?)...and the female trio of Mariah Carey, Pamela Anderson, and a Alanis Morrisette. A few comments:
1. "Who let the Mariah out?" A new urban slang saying for when someone shows up all crazy and ridiculously outfitted
2. Thank God someone tried to cover up Pam Anderson, even if they only managed to do the top half before she broke free and bolted
3. Alanis Morrisette...why are you even here? And who dyed your hair, baby?

FAVORITE MOMENT
{a tie in my mind}
1. Writer Larry McMurtry giving the most sentimental thank you of his acceptance speech ("Brokeback Mountain") to...his Hermes 3000 typewriter!

2. Bobby Crocker's scotch-induced outcry in the middle of the American Express commercil featuring Sir Paul McCartney: "That bullet should have been for you!"

God, how much do I love the Golden Globes?

An HD Review (of the GGs)

Jeffé watched the Golden Globes in high def, which he claimed was quite an eye-opening experience (Actual text message comment: "These people all look like shit in HD.") Apparently, there's even an "official" annual list of Best & Worst' Celebrities in HDTV.

JEFFé's review of the 2006 Golden Globes (in regular definition, duh. My comments in italics.)

"Watching the Golden Globes last night was absolutely boring.
However, a few musings:

1. Most stars look awful on stage in High Definition. One that stands out is Debra Messing. With that towering inferno of hair she looked like a banshee fresh from the bog.
2. Johnny Depp did not want to be there and hated everyone in the room.
3. Felicity Huffman gave a good genuine acceptance speech. (Blogorelli: Yep, she was definitely this year's "Halley.")
4. Anthony Hopkins is a fine actor but doesn't have a lot of range. When you hire Anthony, you pretty much know what you're getting.
5. Scarlett Johansson is adorable. Really, the only reason I kept watching was to catch the few fleeting glimpses of her.
6. I'm glad P.S.Hoffman is finally being recognized. (Blogorelli: Supposedly Heath Ledger mouthed "What the fuck?!?" after he lost to P.S.Hoff, but I agree that he deserved the award...even if he should have shaved before the ceremony.)
7. That Israeli dude who directed Paradise Now said 'Fuck' in his speech.
8. Mariah Carey is a trainwreck. (Blogorelli: Totally. Who let the Mariah out? Woof woof woof...woof.)"

Ok, Assfleck, Fair Enough

Last night I was doing my bi-weekly Fugly check and came upon the most delicious post about Ben Assfleck where they CALL HIM BEN ASSFLECK!!!

I thought I was the only one who got to call him that...but a quick Google search last night showed that I was the 8th most popular site in a search for the term "Ben Assfleck." Today I'm 13th...still a pretty big honor when you consider it's the e-n-t-i-r-e internet, people. I am humbled.

(click for bigger image)

Two 2-Syllables, Truly Tired

Much like my diatribe of last year about Ben Assfleck and J-"No Lo(w) Top Shirts Since I Married Scary and Anemic Rodent-Faced Latino Singer Man", here comes another rant:

PARIS and MOBY, get out of my celebrity universe. You are de-starred. In fact, neither of you ever had even half a star. You are over-publicized. I am sick of you, tired of looking at you, and have grown listless hearing your
1. ditzy explanations about your current publicity-whoring behaviour, always containing the word "like" as two-thirds of the sentence structure
OR
2. psuedo-political statements or anything involving electronic music, how you pioneered some realm of it, or how the world will love eating vegetarian/vegan cuisine if we all just come to your tea house/restaurant.

Paris: I don't care if you stupidly left your crystal-encrusted Sidekick unattended somewhere while you rubbed your bare boobs against another loser socialite. But, if someone should want to see what was on said device and perhaps call up Lindsay Lohan and tell her that sometimes her hair looks just a little bit over-conditioned, check around on the internet...the info is everywhere now.

Moby: You've been on my last nerve for years. I don't know, there's just something about overly confident, compactly built vegans that reminds me too much of my cheap-yet-eccentric college boyfriend. Though seemingly nice in interviews, I just have this feeling in my heart that you are probably insuffurable. Oh no, wait...that feeling came as a gut reaction to this comment on the website for your cafe Teany

"One of my favorite things is when a non-vegetarian comes into teany and has our vegan turkey club with a champagne raspbellini followed by a piece of vegan chocolate cheesecake and says to me, 'Wow, I never knew that vegan and vegetarian food could be so GOOD!'"

Never gonna happen, Tofu Jockey...I like meat. In my men, music AND meals.

Million Dollar...Baby?

Since my teaching schedule at the gym has let up a bit, I was considering trying something new to keep in shape and shake up my fitness routine. Everyone knows that boxing is so...HOT!...right now with all the Oscar bravado. Plus, I already have a mouth guard (bought for snowboarding, which in itself is like being pummeled by an invisible opponent who will only beat you more if you cry.)

But then today I see this article about Tanya Harding. HOLY FUCKING SHIT! i mean, look at those guns.

(from Boston.com)
"Although she has steadfastly denied knowing of the attack in advance, Harding pleaded guilty to hampering an investigation, paid a $160,000 fine, and was banned from US Figure Skating competition for life. Harding sued the US Olympic Committee when it threatened to keep her off the American team for the 1994 Games at Lillehammer, and she was allowed to participate. She placed eighth while Kerrigan won the silver medal. Since then, Harding has been arrested for assaulting her boyfriend with a hubcap and driving while intoxicated. A video of her wedding night was sold by her ex-husband, Jeff Gillooly, and pictures of her appeared in Penthouse magazine."

Either way, girl's had a ride no doubt. Everyone should really read the rest of the article, although the picture alone was enough to disturb me out of wanting to learn how to competitively box. These women would beat me to a pulp. What about my teeth and my even, peachy skin tone? Gone, Gone, and then old Tanya would probably assault me with a hubcap ripped from my own beloved Vinny.

(sigh) So I guess...time to polish up those tap shoes and alternate my routine in a different way?

Just Too Good

not to pass on!

----
Britney quits pop music to become a forensic scientist
January 4, 2005, 12:55:25
(from FemaleFirst.co.uk)

Britney Spears is reportedly set to quit pop music - to become a forensic scientist.

The sexy star has allegedly told friends she is considering swapping her singing career for student life and enrolling at university to study for a degree after being motivated by a TV series.

A source told Britain's Daily Mirror newspaper: "It sounds ridiculous but she's been inspired by TV's 'Crime Scene Investigation', which shows scientists solving crimes.
"Brit has been growing tired of all the media attention and is thinking about taking a break from it all.

Insiders have revealed that the 23-year-old star, who launched her music career aged just 16, has even consulted 'Star Wars' beauty Natalie Portman - who graduated from prestigious Harvard University two years ago after studying psychology - about her plans to return to education.

here she comes, miss (?) queen

when I saw the headline on Boston.com, I could hardly believe it:
"See photos of the first international transvestite beauty pageant"

yes, please!

upon clicking the link I leared that that the "Miss International Queen 2004 competition…is the first-ever international transvestite beauty pageant Nov. 6 in Pattaya, Thailand. The main rule of the competition was that contestants had to be born male."

hmmm...
Thailand's Treechada Petcharat took the crown, with India's queen (heh) as runner up, but actually I think the fellows look pretty good all dolled up. those Swan people could probably get a makeup tip or two from the Queens.

(all photos by the AP)

the sun'll come out

things could be looking up slightly.
1. Kevin Federline's ex-girlfriend ( and mother of his 2 children - hello!) reports that Kevin called her to announce Britney's pregnancy.

2. In a follow-up to #1, Brit has Mary J. Blidge hair on the cover of her greatest hits album, and is also sporting a weird cape that makes her look like a condor. Additionally, when in the last 2 years did she have *that* body? Can i look like that on the Cheeto diet?

3. Babies in costumes!

also has nothing to do with my party

well, apparently the news item (below) about the Romanian penis-less man is "everywhere," so let's try this entertaining little article where a Boston Globe reporter calls the Britney Spears room at the Onyx Hotel, Boston, the Fourth Circle of Hell

hee hee
here's my favorite part:
"So what are the digs like? Designed by Britney's mother, Lynne, they purport to resemble part of the family homestead in Kentwood, La. The decor looks like someone's design scheme for a high-end New Orleans brothel, which is not to suggest that either Ms. Spears or I have first-hand knowledge of that environment."

big in flavor, little in taste

some days you just feel ho-hum, not particualarly inspired but DETERMINED not to miss posting. those are the days when I hit the Anavova "picture stories" to see what kind of completely miniscule things the Brits have turned into news.

today I found 2 niblets:
1. somehow, fruit is having more sex than I am

2. Robbie Williams thinks that Cammy Diaz looks like a weird morning show puppet

that is all.
have a great, although perhaps not particularly FRUITY, weekend

i love paris in the...

cheap&tacky white trash jewelry she is now hocking on Amazon.com!

pink crystals...ankle bracelets...crucifixes...belly chains!
it is like, SO glamorous everyone.

seriously, though...i realize that this whole post is a big cheap (heh) shot, but has ANYONE under 40 or outside of the extreme midwest worn any of these categories of jewelry since 1993? think...thiiiiink...I can close my eyes right now and envision the last ankle bracelet that I saw; why I believe that it was on a very tanned older lady coming out of church (hey - crucifix connection!) and meticulously arranged UNDERNEATH her too-dark panythose. AHHHH!

of course the line is a perfect compliment to the second season of The Simple Life coming out on dvd, and also coincides with the Sept. 7 release of Paris' book, "Confessions of an Heiress: A Tongue-in-Chic Peek Behind the Pose." supposedly, even the now-found chichuahua Tinkerbell gets to produce some ink:

FROM AMAZON.COM
"Paris Hilton has a lifestyle most girls dream about. Her name is on everyone's lips -- but can she help it if she was born rich and privileged? Now, with a sly sense of humor and a big wink at her media image, Paris lets you in for a sneak peek at the life of a real, live heiress/model/actress/singer/it-girl and tells you how anyone can live a fairy-tale life like hers.

'If you follow your own plans and dreams and you don't let anyone talk you out of them, then you'll start to get the hang of being an heiress....All you need after that is a good handbag, a great pose, and very high heels, and you're on your way. (Long blond hair doesn't hurt, either.)'

In her fabulous and very tongue-in-cheek -- and chic -- guide, you'll discover Paris's twenty-three rules for How to Be an Heiress (Never have only one cell phone when you can have many), Paris's list of Twelve Things an Heiress Would Never Do (Go out the night after the Oscars), and Three Things Most People Think Heiresses Shouldn't Do, But I Think They Should (Go out with broke guys). Paris also shares private information such as her memories of growing up with her sister, Nicky, and family photos; her favorite designers and her unique beauty secrets; what a night out with Paris is like; her personal gallery of fashion don'ts; and behind-the-scenes stories from both installments of her hit television series, The Simple Life. Of course no book by Paris would be complete without her pet teacup Chihuahua, Tinkerbell, and in these pages, the best-dressed dog in the world shares pages from her own secret diary."

however, I did read the other day that PH wears size 11, so in that way she is sort of my big-footed sister in shoe shopping.

he is going to be very VERY good at it

last night whilst watching olympic swimming i got so heated when, at one point, i thought michaal phelps' low rider/skintight swim pants were going to fall down that cho cho and galadriel almost had to hose my down. my god, that boy is a merman dreamboat if only he would keep the goggles and swimcap on.

then this morning i saw a headline on the front page of the paper: "Usher leaves innocent image behind"
(complete silence)

w-wait, WHAT?!?!

had anyone, in the last 5 years, thought of usher as donig anything but making bedroom eyes at everything including house plants, marketing his abs in a manner that would make Ron Popeil jealous, buying 500 pairs of the exact same jeans, and basically making every girl feel squirmishly like a sexual target? ok, then. i didn't THINK so.

the whole point of this tirade is so that I could get everyone to read THIS because it is unbelievably funny.

so how is this post in any way connected? because michael is real athlete sexy and usher is std plastic sexy. sex, people...that's the connection. get it? heh heh

you know what you are

well, my my...apparently I have been slandering everyone from assfleck to the gas station attendent for years!

but always good to know that I can still continue to use "ball-breaker" outside the confines of the law.

also, I changed the banner/accent colors/photo...can everyone see it? I would like to note that I wanted to work some kind of "sun" graphic in since it IS the middle of july and no one likes to slather on the oil and bake like a chicken than yours truly. but every line art sun graphic that I tried evoked a horrible visual association with that disgusting nipple ring janet wore during Boobgate. so, thanks janet, for ruining sun clip art for everyone -- you are nobody.

finally, not only am I addicted to "Blow Out," but now I've started watching re-runs of "The Surreal Life" on VH1! I partially blame Lil' Kim for this, as she mentioned it this weekend at the lake and I would never have even stopped on the show had she not piqued my curiosity. plus, the new season features my favorite New Kid -- Jordan Night! bet he turns out to be a real bastard.

my two favorite lines from last night's episode (in which the "celebs" are marooned at a nudist camp in nevada):
- "I don't show my dick...because...I'm ERIC ESTRADA!
- "Sometimes he's so sweet and cuddling that you just forget he's this hairy, fat, disgusting bag of porn."
(in referrence to Ron Jeremy)

now, get out and enjoy the summer sun kids -- see ya on monday!

oops, she did it...nah too easy

so besides sunbathing and drinking mojito slushies, much of this past weekend was spent reading and commenting on the UsWeekly and People magazines that I brought along with me to the lake. God Bless Free Press! although i consider the Britney feature in People a little gift from god just for me, i encourage everyone to pick up a copy and read it before they replace it with some pointless article about how that olsen twin isn't really addicted to the nose candy.

my favorite part was britney's quote about the first morning she woke up and looked at her ring: "Very Cool." another standout was how she asked *him* to marry her first -- and he said NO! but only because she knew that he would ask her back later. DUH. wow -- grade school romance is so much fun! hey, wait a minute...

although there are many mysteries in life, Cho might have found the key to this one with a tidbit she forwarded me from Page Six:
"Britney Spears is reportedly refusing to ask her fiancé, dancer Kevin Federline -- whom she's known for all of three months and who left the woman who was pregnant with his second child for her -- to sign a prenuptual agreement, despite the pleadings of her parents. Spears is worth a reported $100 million, half of which Federline would be entitled to under California law (they've just bought a house on Mulholland Drive) should the couple's marriage end in divorce. Spears is also reported to have bought her own $40,000, 5-carat engagement ring -- and has put Federline on her "permanent payroll."

things to learn from this lesson:
1. heeey...if i had $40,000 i could buy myself a husband -- and a damn nice ring. although wouldn't i rather pass on the man-hoe and just get a laptop and a new car? (-from blogorelli)
2. If we didn't already know it - for certain she is the dumbest person alive. If no prenup AT LEAST don't get married in California. (-from p natty)
3. Did I not TOTALLY call this one?!!!! (-from cho cho)
3. I just vommed a little in my mouth. (-from jeffe)
4.
(- from bobby crocker...he really needs to get a job that has internet access)
5. thank god thank you thank thank you thank thank thank you (-from me again)

carry on and marry on!

say "shake your bon bon" 10 times fast

ok, T minus 1.5 days until the move. WOO!

i have called in blog reinforcements. but until the reserves get here, you will just have to ponder a few things that have been running through my mind, while i go outside and bask in the gorgeous 75 DEGREE WEATHER!

- jellies (shoes, purses, etc): newly cool or merely a sad throwback for those of us who actually wore them in the 1980s (christ, did i just sound really old or what? shoot me now.)

- why overly fake tanned people do not realize that they look like either an oompa loompa (orange) or one of the California Raisins (oddly purple-ish)

- whatever happened to ricky martin?

- why do I love Best Week Ever so much?

- Prince...opinions?

- oh, and one last thing:
MONUMENT TO PROCESSED CHEESE PLANNED
MOSCOW (Reuters) - Moscow, not short of monuments, will soon boast one to a Soviet-era processed cheese.

Writer Viktor Shenderovich said Tuesday that the Karat cheese factory in Moscow had invited him onto a jury to select a design for a bronze monument to Russia's oldest brand of processed cheese -- Druzhba, or 'friendship'.

The soft, white, shiny cheese comes in small squares wrapped in foil -- and has long been a cult snack to go with vodka.

"In the most difficult times, it was hard to live without it, and much easier to live with it," Shenderovich told Ekho Moskvy radio.

spring has, well, sprung!

reasons that yesterday ruled:
- it was 85 degrees
- the Boston Marathon
- my boss is in Italy for the week
- i got to hear Bobby Crocker say, "If people are going into the city, they need to not look like fucking pigs."
(at the end of a long explanation about why he feels that women should -never- wear tank tops which, surprise!, he has a strong opinion on)
- David Beckam admits to affair, buys Posh Spice $1.8 pink diamond ring for her birthday. whoah...THIS guy was unfaithful!?!?! my world is rocked. also, could that ring be a little something he got second hand from Ben Assfleck? hmmm, just a thought, just a thought
- death by celebrity: could Victoria Beckham's amazingly pointy chin be registered as deadly weapon? and, in a contest, who could squeeze a baby to death with her thighs quicker, Beyonce or Britney Spears?

it's better in the matinee

happy friday!

ok, i've been up since 5am, i've already drank 2.5 diet cokes and i am insanely, out-of-my mind right now with a million things to do! and possibly a BIG, awesome happening in the pipeline, which i cannot report on because I am superstitious to jinx it. Expect a full briefing on Monday.

Until then, I encourage EVERYONE to go out and buy the new Franz Ferdinand cd. Holy shit, it rocks hard...I'm listening to it for the second time straight! Can you say "new addiction?"

Have a great weekend...and nobody haul off and slap someone like Richard Simmons!

a harmonic sunday

many things were accomplished today, including dying my drycleaner-ruined beautiful birthday coat to try and cover up the stains. Outcome: RIT Color Remover does nothing...don't waste your money. However, RIT navy blue dye managed to turned the coat a nice periwinkle color. amen! after about an hour of pulling to stretch the coat back to its (almost) original length, it is wearable again. note: wet wool stinks. note #2: never use Bush Cleaners...they are E-V-I-L M-O-N-S-T-E-R-S, particularly the owner Harry.

my productivity was interrupted by the Grammys, which I didn't even know was on last night and which I usually wouldn't watch because they alwys suck, but what can i say? i'm a total addict for celebrity culture. it was no Oscars, but some observations:
- when did Beyonce become the It Girl of the moment? ok, she won 5 Grammys, but let's keep it in perspective, people. besides, what was that squiggly sparkly thing around her eyes during her snoozer "Dangerously in Love" performance? it looked like an alien scar. i cannot support.
- Prince looks *exactly* the same as he did in 1978...creepy
- Jennifer Love Booby walks the green carpet. no one cares.
(note: credit to Cho for coming up with the moniker)
- GAW!!! was sting wearing a schoolgirl-esque skirt during his performance!?!? oddly unsettling, especially with knee socks and dress shoes. the Queer Eye guys would have a heart attack
- is it just me or do these awards recognize music that seems really old? like, No Doubt won best song by a Duet or Group for the that sucky "Underneath it All" song. discuss amongst yourselves...
- hey, there's the chairman of the Grammy board. Hope he doesn't talk about pirating music again, cause that was a real downer last year. wait, his speech is about funding for music education...good! hold on, he's segwaying...into not pirating music...bad. oh, the Grammy board has set up a new website, WhatstheDownload.com
- I go to WhatstheDownload.com...nothing loads. while waiting, i download some music. ok, back to the tv...
- outkast just rules. and apparently, marching bands are cool again!

oops, they did it again

highlights of watching the Super Bowl last night:
#1 - janet jacksons's breast making a guest appearance
during the half-time show. EEEK! even my jaw dropped! more here

#2 - oh yeah, the Patriots winning again for the second time in three years. uh...Go Pats!

one man can make a difference

"Michael Knight, a lone crusader in a dangerous world. The world... of the Knight Rider..."
(note: i tried to edit this down, but it was just too damn good)
---
"HASSELHOFF CLAIMS HE HAD HAND IN BERLIN WALL FALLING"
(via ananova.com)

David Hasselhoff has complained to museum curators after finding his photo absent in a collection of memorabilia about the fall of the Berlin Wall.

The actor and producer, who says he is working on a film version of TV series Knight Rider, claims he is partly responsible for the fall of the concrete divide. Speaking to German magazine TV Spielfilm, Hasselhoff said in 1989, the year the wall fell, he had helped reunite the country by singing his song 'Looking for Freedom' among millions of German fans at the Brandenburg Gate in Berlin.

He said he felt he had moved people on both sides of the wall, although he admitted hardly any of the East Germans could speak English. He said: "After my appearance I hacked away at pieces of the wall that had the black, red and yellow colours of the German flag on it. I kept the big piece for myself and gave the smaller pieces to colleagues at Baywatch."

Hasselhoff said he doesn't mind that Americans make fun of his popularity in Germany and says he feels it is his second homeland. He said: "Many Americans joke about my popularity in Germany. But they have no idea how beautiful Europe is and how rich it is in culture and fun and warmth and children. In Germany children have brought me thousands of flowers."

bennifer no more

HOLY F*CKIN' SHIT!

as soon as i finish the last post, i'm trying to find the name of this song on mtv.com that i want to download, i mean, buy from the apple store...and i come across THIS:
---
'The on-again, off-again entity known as Bennifer is once again off-again, at least as far as wedding bells are concerned. Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck have called off their engagement.
"I am confirming the report that Jennifer Lopez has ended her engagement to Ben Affleck," the singer/actress' spokesperson said in a statement issued Thursday (January 22). "At this difficult time, we ask that you respect her privacy."
---

ahhhHHHHHH!
thank you god for finally ending the public's pain.
oh, and also for my health of course.

did i sound like i was joking?

because i was serious.

not even a mere 24 hours after my last post, good ol' Ass-fleck has the nerve to make MORE comments to the media!

Jan 13, 2003: BEN AND JEN WILL KEEP WEDDING SECRET
"It just seemed like, here we are, we're two people, we can do this whenever we want. We certainly don't need to feed into what had become an escalating frenzy beyond our control and that was clearly going to turn into something unpleasant."

beyond your control...riiiiiight.
and it *has* turned into something unpleasant, because i, for one, am raging pissed. There better not be a word about you in my next US Weekly. Seriously, this is the last time i'm acknowledging you; please give me and everyone else in the world a break so that we can concentrate on Diana Ross's drunk driving arrest and Michael Jackson's family busing "fans" to his arraignment for support.

In more interesting news (to me and others trying to reside in South Beach anyway), Burger King announced plans to sell bunless Whoppers. This cheers me because a gal on a budget can't eat at Wendy's every day. And once i work through my total paranoia and avoidance of beef because of the Mad Cow, a nice bunless burger with a side salad will be great.

Changing topics again, a big **Welcome Back** to Amy, who was in the Bahamas for a weekend cruise courtesy of her company. We are all still jealous, especially your peers in New England. Luckily, the weather is supposed to hit record lows starting tomorrow and extending into this (long) weekend. Gah! Perhaps this is not the best time to take my maiden attempt at snowboarding. Because I can fall on my bum on a patch of ice right outside my own door anytime.

Finally, I figured out the Typepad archive system, so now you can go back all the way to the beginning and read any old Blogorelli that you want. Woo hoo! My relatives should really enjoy that...Mom, it's at the bottom of the right-hand column if you're interested.

so over even my grandma knows it

attention Ben Ass-fleck...could you please stop making mundane and closely-spaced comments to the media in the attempt to keep you and your better half (ha!) in the public eye until you can make another horrendous movie? you're clogging up my daily celebrity gossip reading with your ridiculous banter. the ship has sailed, sweetie. accept it gracefully. do some theater. take a pilates class. study the kabalah.
uh-kay?

but, just for amusement, let's track your lame paparrazzi trail over the past few months:

Dec 5, 2003: BEN AFFLECK SAYS SEX IS 10 MINTUES AND NOTHING FANCY!
He joked: "You'd be bored by my sex life now! It's like ten minutes. It's completely routine. It's another root. I've done nothing fancy there."
BLOGORELLI SAYS: Nothing fancy like your acting? No surprise here.

Dec 17, 2003: BEN AFFLECK ON 'UPS AND DOWNS' WITH J-LO
"Yes, we are together," Affleck told ABC television in America. "Some days are better than others. Of course we are still together."
BLOGORELLI SAYS: Of course they are still together...just like me and my boyfriend Jude Law.

Dec 19, 2003: BEN AFFLECK TO SPEND CHRISTMAS WITH THE TROOPS
"It is now legal in Massachusetts and Matt and I have set a date," he said.
BLOGORELLI SAYS: Massachusetts doesn't need any more bad press. Lay off, buddy!

Jan 8, 2004: AFFLECK SAYS THAT J-LO RELATIONSHIP IS HURTING HIS CAREER
Affleck said: "My relationship with Jennifer has absolutely been bad for my career. The over-exposure this year has been really damaging.
BLOGORELLI SAYS: There's another kind of overexposure that's damaging too, Ben -- the sun. Tell that stylist to switch to mid-grade.

Jan 12, 2004: STILL NO DATE FOR LOPEZ WEDDING, SAYS AFFLECK
Ben Affleck has insisted that there is still no date set for his wedding to Jennifer Lopez.
BLOGORELLI INSISTS: Get married in Massachusetts! Oh, wait, I said no more bad press. Ixnay on that uggestionsay.

*Just-too-Easy Bonus*
July 23, 2003: AFFLECK DEFENDS GIGLI AGAINST THE CRITICS
The handsome actor says, "I am enormously proud of it. It was one of the most pleasant and wonderful sets that I have ever worked on and it was, I think, some of my best work as an actor."
BLOGORELLI SAYS: I am as speechless as someone who just huffed a whole can of Whip-It.
BLOGORELLI RECOVERS: He'd better give her and the movie props when she's putting up with all that crappy sex.

Finally:
Ben says, "It made people think bad about us. But it's not important. People who regard that as important have lost their soul."
BLOGORELLI SAYS: is losing it worse than selling it to the devil?

i want t.v., but i've got T Rex

new job status update: going well so far. it's always weird starting something different...makes you have a crop of new anxieties, even if they are unfounded

after work, even though have a ton of freelance work, but have been procrastinating by watching television.
while "I Love the 80s" is still definitely a fave, i've made the below observations in the past few nights of television viewing:

1. aaron carter: you are a little turd born from the bum of your boy band brother nick. please...drop out of the media spotlight before ayour "child star" status forces you to enter rehab for huffing gasoline. you aren't a rapper, you aren't a homeboy and you aren't cute. sorry.
oh, and your pre-fab mansion is lame-o (mtv cribs, sunday night)

2. that lead girl on the O.C. looks like she's wearing a wig. yet i saw her in a magazine and her hair looks shiny&healthy...what up??? (ads for tonight's show on fox, tues night)

3. "Average Joe" should be called "Average Pee-hole." the pretense that these are "nice" guys just because they aren't hot is an antiquated and unfounded assumption. i quote: "Sure, I'll stick around if it means that I might get some of that hot ass."
uh, excuse me? your quote is the very reason why you will not, haven't ever, and won't ever get some hot ass, ass.

4. i continue to watch The Next Joe Millionaire, as though fixated by some strange spell. but why did he get rid of fun Italian gal Alessia and keep swedish nightmare Olinda? her face is crooked...yuck!

5. even though i know that i should be over it, i still LOVE Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. i heard Bravo put an add out looking for a Fab Five2...is Queer Eye for the Straight Gal in the works? oh, please please please!! and -- CALL ME!

sarmoti, dear roy

by now everyone has heard about the horrible mauling of famed magician Roy Horn in Las Vegas on Friday night. Of course, Roy is half of the international sensation Siegfriend and Roy. i first became interested in this dynamic duo when one of our printer reps brought the S&R brochure as a sample...i discovered their website and also their wondrous catchphrase, SARMOTI (Siegfriend And Roy Masters Of The Impossible).
SARMOTI is magic, SARMOTI is life, SARMOTI is better than a Tony Robbins' seminar.

but sometimes we can love too much. sometimes we are blinded by love and don't realize that wild things cannot be trained, cannot be controlled. sometimes we never imagine the possibility of a 600 pound white tiger dragging us off the stage and the only thing that the inept stagehands have is a puny fire extinguisher to make him release us from his deadly grip.

let us all hope that roy pulls through, with his partner of 14 years, siegfried, by his side.
let us hope this event doesn't turn his against his beloved white tigers.
let us hope that he lives a long, long life so that someday he can be a healthy 80-year-old (who looks 50) reflecting on a successful life, both on-stage and off.

godspeed...