Heidi Klum, honey, we need to have a little "talk" about your iTunes celebrity playlist.
(click to view full-sized image)

Now, first off, you should realize that most normal people don't even receive the opportunity to create a list of their favorite songs to be sold on the iTunes store. Others would shy away, either because of modesty or privacy, if offered the chance to create their own mix-for-sale. Not William Shatner, per say, since he put five of HIS OWN songs on his celebrity playlist, and not me...because I love my taste in music and would get a real rise out of having my very own 15 minutes on the iTstore.
I don't expect someone who makes most of her income by being 75% nude to understand my point, but: as Knight Templar said in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, "you must choose, but choose wisely."
Keeping those words in mind, on to the playlist...
Now, even my grandmothers know that you're married to Seal. Yes, that Seal. So we're all not one bit surprised to see that you led off with your hubby's song. Hell, I'll even give you minor props for choosing the non-traditional "Touch" over more popular, known choices (basically two: "Kiss for a Rose" from that Batman movie during the early 90s, and the never-waning "Crazy, most recently performed at the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show in NYC where you wore that light-up bra and panty [shudder] set. You, I, and millions of people worldwide know the one.)
That's enough Seal for me, personally, but then you all go on to mention him at least three other times (and I suspect, actually four, if he is involved with the "special memories" you write about after Track 2. He is, isn't he? Wait, I don't want to know.) Now, I always thought Seal was "the winner" in whatever deal he made where he got to marry a Victoria's Secret model, even with the limp...career and lupus-induced facial scarring — but a quick glance at your playlist indicates that you are clearly infatuated with him. I am shocked! Can true love really exist?!? And he is obviously tormenting himself, being a musician and living every.day.with.someone.who.loves.Tim.Hardin.
Go Seal - who knew you had it in you, old boy? And also (this one for Seal) — are you comfortable devoting you life to a person who calls John Mayer "a terrific, talented musician"? Hmmm? He looks pretty clammy to me, but then, who am I to judge? I haven't had a date in months, even wtih all those Seal songs playing while my online personal ad displays (KIDDING!)
[ASIDE: John Mayer, are you available for a date? You could even serenade me. I promise not to kick you in the shin for at least 5 seconds of the first song.]
Moving on, H.K., when I want to "go straight for the dancefloor," I generally choose bourbon, not Chic's "Le Freak," but to each her own. Besides, you models need to shake your little provocatively lingeried asses to something with a simple rhythm, so disco seems like an appropriate choice. Come on, don't front...we all saw you girls trying to "dance" backstage at the fashion show I mentioned above; I think I even witnessed a few arm pumps and a lot of off-beat swaying.
You actually did right by putting an Aimee Mann song on here...but why do I have a feeling that Seal might have helped you with that one? And also, thank you GOD that the version of "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face" was NOT by 98 Degrees. For these two things, I commend you.
I could continue picking through your playlist like a shopper at the Filene's Basement discount underpants bin, but I'll simply conclude with this comment (directed at Bloc Party): guys, when someone with a playlist like this calls you "one of the hot newer bands that [she] is into..." and that you "do great dance music," well, you are simply not getting that invitation to perform on The O.C. ...ever. Apologies.
Heidi Klum, from your playlist, you are many things: a Seal fan, a woman over 30, someone with a beautiful...soul, a disco-dancer, a sentimental fool, a Mac user (score!) but most of all...an enigma. Like, how could a brash businesswoman/brand like yourself possibly think that "Le Freak" in any way flows into "If I Were A Carpenter" smoothly? Do you have functional ear drums? I will never understand your complex celebrity brain, even if you are very pretty and did lose all of your baby weight in six weeks.
I'm sorry to say it, but on the runway - you're In. In musicmixland ..."Yao Oawt."
Cheers & Rhinestones,
Blogorelli
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